You hear about a friend / family member’s recent cancer diagnosis. What runs through your head? How do you react? And more importantly, what can you do?
First emotions
Apprehension, sadness, frustration, fear, anger, guilt, anxiety… or all of them? It is perfectly normal to be overcome with emotions when someone you know is diagnosed with cancer. It’s important to first acknowledge your own emotions so you’re able to focus on helping your friend or family member. Unaddressed emotions can interfere negatively in relationships.
When it comes to processing your emotions, it’s a good rule of thumb to debrief with someone other than the friend who’s been diagnosed. It is not ideal to discuss your emotions with the person recently diagnosed – they will have so much to deal with themselves that they won’t need that extra burden of providing comfort to you.
This is a time for you to support them, not the other way around. Though it’s not easy, the worst thing to do is to just ignore it and not reach out. You don’t have to let them know what you are really feeling – you could simply say that you are sorry for what they are dealing with, or explain briefly that you’re feeling tearful / worried / distressed, with no further detail. And it’s ok to take some time out if you feel like you can’t cope yourself.
How do you act around someone with cancer?
People are still the same person that they were before cancer happened. Treat them the same, and don’t let cancer get in the way of your friendship. Try and continue some similar activities, try and still talk to them or see them as you did before; perhaps even increase your level of support and encouragement while they’re going through this challenging period. This normality can bring great comfort. As they find their ‘new normal’, walk alongside them so you can still be a part of it.
How to talk to a person with cancer
There is no right or wrong way to talk to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, but there are a few things to be mindful of. The most important thing is to listen. They will often set the tone and direction of your conversations, based on what’s going on and how they’re coping.
It’s also ok if they don’t want to talk – sometimes they might need a break from thinking about their cancer and will welcome a distraction.
Try to:
- maintain eye contact
- treat them as the same person they were before, with the same interests and passions
- not be afraid to talk to them. It is far better to say “I don’t know what to say” than to not say anything at all
- be ok with silence. Sometimes, when their brain is cluttered with treatment plans, fears and concerns, silence is all they might need
- be yourself
- show compassion and grace
Try not to:
- pre-judge how anyone is feeling
- make light of any feelings or use phrases such as “at least…” which can invalidate their experience
- give unsolicited advice
- suggest alternative ‘cures’ or new health treatments (unless they ask)
- bring up other people’s cancer experiences as examples
- say “let me know if I can do anything” instead, be specific with concrete offers of assistance: “Can I pick up the children from school?” “Can I take a basket of laundry to wash?”
It may sound obvious, but the best way to find out what someone needs is to ask!
Things you can do:
- cook meals that can be left on the doorstep or frozen for later
- accompany them to appointments or just be the chauffeur
- help with household chores and cleaning
- do a daily / weekly grocery shop, or fresh fruit and veg shop
- pick up the phone and check in
- schedule activities that you used to do together
- help them do things they used to enjoy doing
- help with child-minding or pick-ups and drop-offs
- offer to pick up prescriptions or medications
- offer to update mutual friends/family
- give their partner some time off
- babysit
The main thing is to remain the person’s friend. Show them kindness and acknowledge you don’t understand exactly what they’re going through. Just be there. Cancer is a lonely road, but if you travel along beside them, it can make it feel a little less so.
Authored by Dr Emily Isham