For many, Christmas is a time to indulge, spend time with family, and celebrate with special food and gifts. But for others, it can induce some anxiety, sadness and even grief for lots of different reasons.
When you’re living with cancer, how can it be possible to enjoy meals when you’re always feeling nauseous and everything you used to love tastes awful thanks to chemo?
How can you attend the inevitable work and school Christmas events when the potential for your immunosuppressed body to pick up a circulating virus is so great?
How can you chat about seemingly trivial affairs when your days are full of medical appointments, coping with side effects, and processing the emotional distress of having cancer?
Here are some ideas to help you get through the festive season.
Lower your expectations
There is so much pressure to get things ‘right’ at Christmas – the right food, the right presents, the right people, and so on. That’s hard enough when you don’t have a diagnosis of cancer. Add in cancer and treatment to the mix, and it becomes rapidly overwhelming.
Limit your expectations: don’t live by what you used to do; create new traditions and plans.
Be honest about your limitations. You have cancer. That’s ok. People will get it.
Take your time
Remember that there are 12 days of Christmas, not just two. Who says we need to cram everything into Christmas Day and Boxing Day? Think about spreading things out and doing a bit every day over the Christmas period, to remove excess pressure.
Protect your energy
While everyone may want to visit you at Christmas, the normal rules don’t apply right now. You have to prioritise your health, which includes energy. When you have cancer, your body is already constantly engaged in battle and needs to preserve any strength and stamina for that purpose.
If you tend to struggle on to the point of exhaustion rather than risk offending people, try appointing someone to act as your spokesperson. Perhaps they could help set time limits for endless and exhausting home visits – like you would in hospital – recognising that you need protected rest time. You may be surprised to find that people appreciate these boundaries, as they’re probably worried about doing the wrong thing and will want you to be taking care of yourself.
Try to manage worries
Try not to make your cancer the focus of everything this Christmas. You need to give your mind a break from worrying and churning over cancer details. As difficult as it may be, try to live in the now, to focus on the present moment. None of us knows what the future holds. Try to take it slowly, savour the moments, notice the joyful things.
One approach to managing anxiety is to set aside time every day to allow yourself to worry, say 10 minutes, and then go and do something you enjoy – a walk, a phone call, a hot chocolate. This allows you space to feel your feelings while preventing worries and fears from consuming your whole day.
Keep it real
You may want to enjoy time with family and friends but are feeling sad and overwhelmed. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t assume you need to be your ‘best, positive, jolly’ self all the time. For the sake of your mental health and the wellbeing of those around you, it’s important to process your reality and what you’re feeling, instead of plastering on a smile.
British Medical Journal research[1] suggests that 1 in 5 people with cancer suffer from depression compared to 1 in 20 of the general population. Faking your way through and forced cheeriness is not helpful for our mental wellbeing, and nor is it sustainable long-term. Tell people that you’re looking forward to Christmas, but it does come with mixed emotions since your diagnosis. People will understand, and it helps them to help you, which is what they want.
Focus on what makes you feel good
What is it that gives you purpose, direction and motivation in your day-to-day life? What values do you hold dear? What are the parts of your life that feel unbroken, intact or make you feel whole again? It might be something or someone that you hold dear and gives you the incentive to get out of bed every morning, like your child, or your favourite hobby, or a simple routine like a cup of coffee and a podcast. Whatever it is that spurs you forward is worth you focusing on, above the mess and distressing emotions or circumstances you might be wading through.
Eat, drink and be merry (if you feel like it)
Eating and drinking is one of life’s great joys, never more so than at Christmas. If you’re feeling well and your appetite’s good, then make the most of Christmas and just enjoy the special foods like any other year. If your appetite’s poor, then don’t feel under pressure to eat and drink large amounts. There’s no right or wrong, just do what feels good for you.
Alcohol, whilst enjoyable at the time, can exaggerate feelings, including sadness and depression. For this reason, try to set a limit beforehand, be mindful of how much you’re drinking, and don’t drink alone – share with others so the moment is enjoyed. And by all means, savour a piece of Christmas cake alongside your wine. What joy and comfort good food can bring!
Keep up the basics
Try to get enough sleep, continue with regular exercise, and maintain some sort of vague routine, even through the holiday season. This gives some certainty, even if a small amount, which then brings with it enormous mental health benefits, especially if so many aspects of life feel out of control.
Continue good hygiene practices, as much as you usually practice them. Christmas is not a time to be complacent about hygiene, even less so if you’re mixing with more people from various parts of Australia and the world, and during COVID times.
Coping with loneliness
It’s ok to feel flat when on your own. One of the few small benefits of COVID-19 is that more people have become proficient at and used to connecting virtually on technology platforms – whether it be for just a chat, having a ‘virtual’ drink together, playing an online game, attending a lecture, or watching a movie concurrently. It’s easy to forget that being at home only entails physical distance, not emotional distance. If you can’t physically be with the people you love at Christmas, you can still connect with them, or relevant support services, to help feel less alone.